quote, unquote...

I have always been intrigued by Jim Morrison of The Doors. The Lizard King... I read a book about him when I was in college and ever since, I have felt a kinship, if you will, to him. I think he was a truly talented man, in many forms of art. I also think it was a very troubled man.

Anyway, I was surfing around a little last nite on the net and for some reason was lead to google him. I read a few things, then found this quote of his:

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being, with a soul of a clown with forces me to blow it at any moment.

I was stunned. I know my mouth was gaped open. My heart kinda hurt. I almost cried. It was as though I was regurgitating my own words. Uncanny... freaky, even.

I've never been the smartest student or whatever, but I've always felt somewhat intelligent. Maybe even felt more intelligent than the majority of my family and friends. I certainly don't mean to say that in a boastful manner, because it's not in a book sense way of intelligence, it's in a ways of the world intelligence. Trust me, I would rather be book smart--unfortunately the hard knocks of life have made me intelligent, way beyond my years. Sometimes I feel that I don't really have an outlet for the things I'd like to talk about, discuss, debate. Maybe I'm not intelligent at all, maybe just weird... Wonder if Jim thought that too...

I am sensitive. I have no doubts at all about that.

Soul of a clown, wow! That's the part that I think got me the most! The most intimate of friends and family know that I call myself the Sad Clown. That's the actual tattoo that I wanted, but Allen made me feel real stupid about it when he said that he didn't get it. I'm always smiling on the outside. On the inside, well, not always smiling. My whole life I've fit this description. Even as a very young child, I learned to smile, act out, laugh, especially when I was crying on the inside. Now that life is pretty much on an even keel, I don't have to fake the smile as much. I don't have to force the laughter. Those come naturally, thanks to my blessings and my Lord. I still cry on the inside sometimes. Sometimes it's worse now, simply because I feel that I don't have those reasons to cry on the inside. Now I understand the chemical imbalances, the anxiety attacks, where before I was terrified of them--terrified I was losing my mind. I still felt though, that I wasn't too far gone, because I could slip into the clown mode when needed. I held onto some hope, because I thought if I was too far gone I wouldn't have been able to.

All the world's a stage, as Mr. Shakespeare said and now I don't mind playing Sad Clown as much. It's me, it's brought me this far.

God is Love--Peace Out