LORDY, LORDY...

"Women are most fascinating between the ages of 35 and 40, after they have won a few races and know how to pace themselves. Since few women ever pass 40, maximum fascination can continue indefinitely." --Christian Dior

I read this today and absolutely LOVED it!!!! Heehee... I'm slowly, with the help of my friends (cuz you KNOW, I get by with a little help from them) convincing myself that 40 is fabulous. I'm trying to embrace the upcoming event!

God is Love--Peace Out

...Doors?...

I just read these lyrics:

Seize the summer

In your pride

Take the winter

In your stride

I really love Jim "The Lizard King" Morrison

God is love--Peace Out

It's June...

At the drive-thru of BOA today, I was writing the check for Allen's truck payment. I couldn't remember the date, so I looked towards the window and saw the square, large-print calendar. It said JUNE 4. Do what? Where did June come from?

I literally stared at the ugly little black square that stated it was June. I made it, I thought. Like trees growing in Brooklyn--well, maybe that's not the metaphor I'm wanting/meaning to use. Like a dandelion that grows in the crack on a busy, city sidewalk. I've emerged from another winter, alive and sane! The winter of 2009/2010 was the hardest yet! All the snow, lack of funds and problems with the hubs had me at the the depths of hell.

I've been feeling better. Thank you sun. Thank you God. Thank you June! I quickly wrote out the check, put it in the drawer and spoke to the teller. I then, rested my chin on the steering wheel and breathed in the humid June air. I made it.

God is love--Peace out

Love Notes

(Front of page)
To Mom
from Evan Gods Girl
Mom



Cool Girl

(inside)
Dear mom I love you I miss you so much that I just feel home sick. I miss you so. I feel home sick, I JUST MISS YOU!
You are so nise you are gods girl.

(bottom)
Gods girl
MOM


This was given to me (and I've typed it exactly the way he wrote it) from my baby boy, Evan, today. It has some drawings on it as well--an angel which he labeled as God and a girl (me?) that he labeled as God's girl.

Have I told you lately how much I love him? This is 1 of the MANY reasons Mr. Evy has me so totally wrapped!

God is Love--Peace Out

Spread your tiny wings and fly away...

For the past, hmmm, 6 years, I've called myself the "Old Bird Lady". Seriously, I'm like the old women who lives alone and lives to feed and watch the wild birds that come to the feeders in their yard. It's been almost an obsession with me. I lure in the pretty songbirds with over-priced seed and fancy feeders, strategically placed in my front and back yards. I have a fondness for cardinals (Red Jays, as Evy used to call them) and blue birds. I do everything I can, to make certain those 2 species, especially, have what they want and need to insure that they speckle my yards with their loveliness.

I haven't bought birdseed in months. Several feeders are in need of repair. Even more are either on the ground or broken, laying where they fell.

This morning, while I sipped coffee and had my first cigarette of the day on the carport a male and female cardinal fluttered around the remaining cat food on the carport wall. They flew from it to the fence, happy it seemed, to have something "special". I smiled, in spite of myself at their beauty. Then I had to snuff out my cig, unable to face their hunger.

I went out again, just a few moments ago for another cig and to hide my tears from my family. I stood at the far end of the carport looking out at the road and yard, all covered in whiteness. I looked again at the largest feeder in the front yard. It hung, empty, lonely I'm sure, for the birds that used to frequent it. Once again, I had to look away. Suddenly, a small snow bird flew onto the branch of a weeping cherry tree, directly in front of me. I made eye contact. It made eye contact. It cocked it's head, seemingly asking me if I was ok. Seemingly asking for his bounty. Then it flew away.

God, was that you? Are you showing me the beauty in life? Are you telling me that, even tho I don't feel like it, people and things depend on me? Are you telling me about the beauty and wonder in this world?

Or was it simply what it was? A hungry little bird...

Sad Angie

Wow... it's been a long time. I wish I could write more often. Of course, I could. I wish I was up to writing more often. There, that's better. Keeping it real, like I try to do.

2010 is starting off pretty funky. January has never been a good month for me. Certainly this one is at the tip top of the CRAPPY List. Money sucks... I'm so freakin tired of worrying about that. My cleaning business is practically null and void right now. I've spoken with some folks about part-time jobs. I so don't wanna go back into that, but I feel as I have no other choice. ugh... You know, I shouldn't say I don't wanna go back to work. I think I need to. Not just cuz of money issues, but I'm slipping into a deeper depression and maybe the distraction will help. I flounder all day, when I'm at home, feeling sorry for myself and diverting my attention with Facebook, the telephone, the tv or books. My house is getting quite disgusting. As for cleaning it, the closet description I can us is "hitting the high spots"... And that's being liberal. I've got about 5 loads of clean, albeit wrinkly, laundry in baskets around the house. Dust of about 2 inches covers EVERY surface. My kitchen floor is so soiled with coffee stains and God knows what. I got a wonderful steam mop for Christmas from Chicken and I like using it--but what's the point... It's just gonna get filthy again... Not the regular Angie's way of thinking. This is "Sad Angie".

Oh, got off track there for a sec--I am so hoping and praying that a receptionist job that I submitted a resume for works out. It probably won't--I'm not trying to borrow trouble, that's just the funk I'm in. Shoot, who am I kidding... that's the way things tend to be working out for me right now.

I need sunshine. I need warm weather. I need someone to say nice things to me. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok. I need to get my meds, as tonite is the 2nd nite of being out of them... Stupid--I should have called in the refill earlier. I don't even had the gumption to do that... ugh

I had a fight with my cousin today. We're not close, never have been, but I'm pissed anyway. I kinda hate everybody right now. I wanna go on a sabbatical. Just me... nah, I'd cry because I know I'd miss Ean and Evan. Even tho I've been an absentee Mom these past couple of weeks. Another thing I'm so depressed about. I hate getting up every morning saying to myself "Today's gonna be better, different" "I'm gonna pull myself up by my boot straps, today" and of course, it NOT happening... sigh....

Mr. Peyton is not helping anything... period. Actually, the cause of most of this. That's all I'm going to say about that, for now. double sigh...

Well, if there's 1 thing I've done right it's been this dieting thing. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. It hasn't really been hard--I've been so blue, the hunger pains at least let me know I'm still alive...

God is Love--Peace Out

Many Blessings

Omg, I can not believe I have not been on here for soooo long... PIT-TEE-FULLL! Anyway, Hello Yall!

In honor of the most laid back of all holidays, I wanna list some of the things I'm thankful for...

1. My new office! Love being in here! Facebooking, etc. w/ the lil tv on (watching local stuff, even) my GROOOVY green chair (thanks MawMaw), my funky lamp, Elvis (the Beta) twirling around in his toooo small bowl and my BFF's (Colby and Benny) snoring on the floor. It's quickly become my fave place in the house to be!

2. The new windows that Mr. Peyton put in the bathroom and the kitchen! Wow! It's unbelievable the difference a window can make! They are "double hung", what, what! Actually, that means that you can lean them towards you to clean. I didn't know that's what that meant--that's why I'm saying. I certainly am sure you know that! I've never been privy to such high falootin stuff! All the windows here and at the old home place were the oldies, w/ storm windows, from like the 50's! Now my kitchen windows won't look like the sink faucet has a continuous spraying problem!

3. That I have a hubster that can put in new windows and do all kinds of home improvements! He also just cut a hole (if you will) in the living room floor and put a beautiful cast iron grate over it so that the heat from the wood-stove can more evenly disperse upstairs! There's a lot to be said for a Jack of All Trades! xoxo

4. Discovering the tv series on AMC, Mad Men!

5. Having the BEST friend, who pushed me to get on the ball to discover that phenomenal show.

6. Evy having a WHOLE week of doing good on school-work and behavior! He's doing good this week too! Yay! (Wonder if it was the sign I got to put up for him this holiday season that says: "Dear Santa, I can explain..."

7. Ean knowing how to drive and maneuver the tractor so well! I'm quite impressed! He went out the other night in the pouring rain and filled up the bucket w/ wood and did great!

8. Joseph Jackson Birckhead, Jr has not smoked a cigarette since October 4th! HOLLA! Even though there's a rodent in his house that's steadily smoking, inside the house even... ugh!

9. A Good Life!

God is Love--Peace Out