Spread your tiny wings and fly away...

For the past, hmmm, 6 years, I've called myself the "Old Bird Lady". Seriously, I'm like the old women who lives alone and lives to feed and watch the wild birds that come to the feeders in their yard. It's been almost an obsession with me. I lure in the pretty songbirds with over-priced seed and fancy feeders, strategically placed in my front and back yards. I have a fondness for cardinals (Red Jays, as Evy used to call them) and blue birds. I do everything I can, to make certain those 2 species, especially, have what they want and need to insure that they speckle my yards with their loveliness.

I haven't bought birdseed in months. Several feeders are in need of repair. Even more are either on the ground or broken, laying where they fell.

This morning, while I sipped coffee and had my first cigarette of the day on the carport a male and female cardinal fluttered around the remaining cat food on the carport wall. They flew from it to the fence, happy it seemed, to have something "special". I smiled, in spite of myself at their beauty. Then I had to snuff out my cig, unable to face their hunger.

I went out again, just a few moments ago for another cig and to hide my tears from my family. I stood at the far end of the carport looking out at the road and yard, all covered in whiteness. I looked again at the largest feeder in the front yard. It hung, empty, lonely I'm sure, for the birds that used to frequent it. Once again, I had to look away. Suddenly, a small snow bird flew onto the branch of a weeping cherry tree, directly in front of me. I made eye contact. It made eye contact. It cocked it's head, seemingly asking me if I was ok. Seemingly asking for his bounty. Then it flew away.

God, was that you? Are you showing me the beauty in life? Are you telling me that, even tho I don't feel like it, people and things depend on me? Are you telling me about the beauty and wonder in this world?

Or was it simply what it was? A hungry little bird...

Sad Angie

Wow... it's been a long time. I wish I could write more often. Of course, I could. I wish I was up to writing more often. There, that's better. Keeping it real, like I try to do.

2010 is starting off pretty funky. January has never been a good month for me. Certainly this one is at the tip top of the CRAPPY List. Money sucks... I'm so freakin tired of worrying about that. My cleaning business is practically null and void right now. I've spoken with some folks about part-time jobs. I so don't wanna go back into that, but I feel as I have no other choice. ugh... You know, I shouldn't say I don't wanna go back to work. I think I need to. Not just cuz of money issues, but I'm slipping into a deeper depression and maybe the distraction will help. I flounder all day, when I'm at home, feeling sorry for myself and diverting my attention with Facebook, the telephone, the tv or books. My house is getting quite disgusting. As for cleaning it, the closet description I can us is "hitting the high spots"... And that's being liberal. I've got about 5 loads of clean, albeit wrinkly, laundry in baskets around the house. Dust of about 2 inches covers EVERY surface. My kitchen floor is so soiled with coffee stains and God knows what. I got a wonderful steam mop for Christmas from Chicken and I like using it--but what's the point... It's just gonna get filthy again... Not the regular Angie's way of thinking. This is "Sad Angie".

Oh, got off track there for a sec--I am so hoping and praying that a receptionist job that I submitted a resume for works out. It probably won't--I'm not trying to borrow trouble, that's just the funk I'm in. Shoot, who am I kidding... that's the way things tend to be working out for me right now.

I need sunshine. I need warm weather. I need someone to say nice things to me. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok. I need to get my meds, as tonite is the 2nd nite of being out of them... Stupid--I should have called in the refill earlier. I don't even had the gumption to do that... ugh

I had a fight with my cousin today. We're not close, never have been, but I'm pissed anyway. I kinda hate everybody right now. I wanna go on a sabbatical. Just me... nah, I'd cry because I know I'd miss Ean and Evan. Even tho I've been an absentee Mom these past couple of weeks. Another thing I'm so depressed about. I hate getting up every morning saying to myself "Today's gonna be better, different" "I'm gonna pull myself up by my boot straps, today" and of course, it NOT happening... sigh....

Mr. Peyton is not helping anything... period. Actually, the cause of most of this. That's all I'm going to say about that, for now. double sigh...

Well, if there's 1 thing I've done right it's been this dieting thing. I've lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. It hasn't really been hard--I've been so blue, the hunger pains at least let me know I'm still alive...

God is Love--Peace Out